So, I guess this is the part when "Sh*&T gets real". I have been able to juggle a lot (being a single-mom, working full time, coaching part time, being active in my non-profit, still make time to work on my self spiritually and physically by praying, working out and meal prepping. And somehow made time hang with friends and family.) I truly felt like I embodied Wonder Woman. I could do anything. THEN cancer hit. I was like, "yeah... I got this... I am GOOD!" But slowly, started putting things down... coaching... non-profit... each time feeling like I have failed at something... like I am losing my super-powers. It hit me hardest last week as I was trying to prepare for Mason's high school graduation... I used to work-out for HOURS a day... and now I can't pick-up a case of water because my back hurts so bad... I can't try on clothes without getting winded. I have these crazy bursts a few times a week where I box or go to trampoline class or walk a few miles... but I am definitely weaker (and it pisses me off).
The oncologist told me I would likely "feel" the cumulative effects of the chemo around the 6th treatment of my 2nd round... My doc was right... I get my 7th treatment tomorrow and I feel completely exhausted. It takes every single ounce of energy and focus (and a crap-ton of caffeine) to complete my work and basic stuff like showering. I want SO BAD to be able to go to the gym and not have to worry about germs so I can box with my friends. I want to be able to have more energy to cook amazing meals for my son and fiance without having to "save energy" or crash afterwards to do so. If money wasn't an issue, I would take Fridays and Mondays off so I could actually take meds and sleep through the chemo effects instead of working through pain. It feels like every day I lose another "super-power". I try to celebrate events with friends and I wonder if they are disappointed that I am sitting like a log instead of interacting because is really hard to ignore the searing pain in my body that just doesn't go away now.
I am feeling more lonely and depressed than ever - and I don't know if it is the steroids, the toxins from the chemo, the lack of sunshine and movement because of the illness, not sleeping more than 3 hours at a time because of insane night sweats and pain, being left behind by people that used to check on me, the bad thoughts about myself because of the hair loss and weight gain from treatment or a mixture of all of it. When people say, "You don't understand unless you have felt it..." it is so true.... I thought I understood... I thought I was prepared for this journey... I thought I would be the one to get through this with flying colors. But truth is, it is hard. I wasn't prepared, I cry daily. I am limited and mad about it. I fake a lot of smiles, I overdo it and push past my own limits on the regular. I HATE to complain so this little blurb was hard to write.
Here is the cool part though.... I am strong in my faith, I KNOW how my story will end. I know where my strength comes from (I have to beg for renewed strength daily), I may be in a valley, but I know He won't leave me here - AND he has provided many "flowers" in this valley: He has sent amazing angel friends that leave toilet paper and water on my front porch and text me hilarious things to keep my spirits up, my wonderful son and fiance that love on me when I am at my worst (and still make me coffee ;) ), He has sent the best oncologist and chemo nurses ever to help me fight and cheer me on. He gave me the best family that will just stop by and weed my flowerbed (thanks Aunt Beth), or paint a beautiful picture (thanks to my lovely niece) or just remind me that I am loved and prayed for... and maybe I really didn't LOSE my super-powers after all... because the power wasn't mine to begin with... it is HIS... and He is the one in control. (But you BETTER BELIEVE I am praying He gives me super-natural energy super-powers... cause momma is tired ;) )
xoxo,
Pearls