I knew cancer wouldn't be pretty. I heard that AC or "The Red Devil" Chemo was the worst. I know that no matter how much I tried to prepare for this... I wouldn't be prepared. I had to have 4 dose-dense treatments of AC. The first 2 seemed somewhat manageable (horrible... but manageable.) My third dose knocked me down quite a bit. The morning of my last round of Red Devil I was a crying mess. The only way I can describe the feeling in me is to tell you to imagine the worst pain you have ever experienced... childbirth? a surgery? an injury? Get that in your mind... Now, imagine that painful experience happening every-other-Friday. You know when it is going to happen, you know how bad it is gonna hurt and the only way is THROUGH it. This Friday I was scared of the pain that was about to happen... Especially, because it was a BIG WEEKEND for Mason... PROM... I don't want cancer to dull my kid's life.
They say "You win some, you lose some", and Chemo won this round. I am sick. I can smell everything (including people standing too close in the check-out at the grocery store (gross) I for real had to check my pits in Target one day to make sure it wasn't me.. because I EASILY could have been me since showers are literally painful after chemo.) I can't taste anything (unless it is over the top spicy or salty), The nausea, pain and fatigue have held on much longer this time. The toxins are making my fingernails hideous, and essentially just tearing my body up!
BUT... God. He is here. He has walked this road before me. Although this year has been tough. And my circumstances aren't my favorite right now... I am reminded (especially at Easter) that God sent his son Jesus to suffer the worst pain imaginable... to feel the most lonely anyone has ever felt... for me... and for HIS Glory. My Nana and Paw-Paw (who are in Heaven together right now) always told me how much God loved me and that WITH HIM I can get through ANYTHING. I watched my Nana go through a terrible illness with FAITH and STRENGTH and FIGHT. I pray that I live up to her legacy... and that God works through this circumstance for His Glory.
I also learned with this 4th round that my BOUNDARIES need to be LEGIT. I have adopted a "no extra" policy. I am a mom of a senior in high school, I am an employee (an executive assistant to a CVO of an amazing company), I am a homeowner, I am a fiance to an amazing man, I am a friend, I am a mentor, I wear a lot of "hats". Several of those things are full-time gigs that take so much energy and work. When cancer and chemo are added to the mix, it makes for a really stressful life if we allow any "extra". What I consider "extra": Any unhealthy relationships, Any person that is argumentative or negative just for the sake of being right, Any type of item that you want to "sell" me... (I have researched what helps cancer... and my doctor has to approve everything... so pleasssseeeee, for the love, don't try to sell me your supplements or products or insert what you are selling here: _________________________. It is "extra" and I don't need it. I am fighting for my life. I don't have time or energy for sales pitches. If there is something I want or need - I will buy it or ask for it. It has been pretty freeing to cut out everything "extra". I would recommend boundaries to everyone. There are literally times that Tom or Mason and I have a discussion and just say, "no extra" - and then we delete, say no, set a boundary or just remove or dismiss the "extra".
The journey is weird. Mine isn't like anyone else's. I will make my own mistakes, I will live and learn, I will make great choices and terrible choices, I will feel great and I will feel terrible. But the cool thing is, this is a season...and I am looking forward to fruit that it bears in the future. Thank you all that have invested time, resources and prayers into me and my family during this crazy time. I appreciate you so much more than you know. HAPPY EASTER!!!!