If you know me, you know that I have always been a very ALL or NOTHING, BLACK or WHITE, IN or OUT, NO IN-BETWEEN type of person. I am usually going 90 mph. all of the time, juggling everything. That is ME. That is how I operate.
Being limited frustrates me. Being underestimated frustrates me MORE. I believe I CAN and WILL do ANYTHING I set my mind to. I can "put my pearls on and PUSH THROUGH" ANYTHING... right!?
Cancer has put me "in the middle"... Let me explain: I am physically limited by this disease. I can't "go hard" like I am used to... but I refuse to "sit out" completely... so I am "in the middle". I can't juggle things like I used to: a full time job, traveling 1 week out of each month several times a year, all of my mom-duties in raising my son, housework, a non-profit, family time, friendships, community things, house repairs, workouts, coaching, etc. I have had to take some of those things off my plate to fit in chemo and cancer stuff - and therefore, here I am... "in the middle". Even when people ask me the dreaded question, "How do you feel?" - I want to just answer, "In the middle" because let me give you the reality: On chemo - I don't feel good. I will answer, "fine." or "okay." and that is me sitting in the middle - and really being fake with you. I feel like crap. I feel limited. I have ridiculous pain. I am struggling with crazy stuff that I never thought I would have to... but, I am not flat on my back - I am still standing and functioning - so I am "in the middle".
The middle is not a comfortable place for me. To me, it feels like complacency. I want to be ALL IN, I want to GO HARD, I want to be at every family event, I want to be able to juggle like normal and do everything and not even flinch. Through this journey, I have realized I don't have grace for myself. I EXPECT myself to be 100% all of the time. I am my own worst critic and I hold myself to an unrealistic standard.
I have prayed for God to meet me here in the middle. To give me grace for myself like I have for others, to help me to let go and be still. (I suck at that part.... being STILL is the worst!!!) I have found that He equips me every single day. I am making it. I am surviving. I may or may not be 100% on any given day, but His LOVE and GRACE for me is always 100%.
This journey is definitely teaching me PATIENCE and GRACE (two things I was lacking). This is a time that I am being refined in my character and spirit. It is not the funnest experience... trust me... But I am excited to see what God does in this season. I am blessed beyond measure... even when I am in the middle.... ESPECIALLY when I am in the middle.